Somebody’s First Comic Book: Eternal Warrior #25

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TITLE: The Root of the Problem Part 2

CREDITS:
Writer: Mike Baron
Art: Mike Vosburg
Colors: Stu Suchit
Letters: Mary Kolvek
Editor: Maurice Fontenot
Publisher: Valiant Comics

PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: None. Cover looks sort of medieval. Could it be some sort of a period adventure comic?

IMPRESSIONS: Okay, this book gets confusing right off the bat. Granted, it says “Part 2.” I haven’t read Part 1. But the first caption box is someone talking in an outrageously stereotypical German accent that’s almost hard to read. The next couple of pages show us that this is a modern-day therapist talking to this “Mr. Armstrong” about some adventure that happened to him back during the Crusades. Evidently, in this time period he stole an invitation to see some “Goddess” of the Knights Templar, they got down and dirty, and the Knights have had it in for him ever since.

I really don’t know what to make of this comic book. The “Eternal Warrior” – I’m assuming this is the guy who appears on the cover and on the first page, Armstrong’s brother Gilad – hardly appears in the book at all. It’s all about Armstrong being something of a man-whore. The book also appears to be going for a more comedic tone. Fair enough, but the cover and title really don’t feel like I’m picking up a comedy when I pick it up. The whole book feels like it’s struggling for an identity.

The brothers, I take it, are immortal, and I get the impression here that this story exists mainly to explain the antipathy between Armstrong and some recurring villains that he’s faced. It may be wonderful in context, but as a first-time reader, I’m left thoroughly confused.

GRADE: D+

Somebody’s First Comic-Sandman Mystery Theatre: Sleep of Reason #4

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TITLE: Sleep of Reason Chapter Four

CREDITS:
Writer: John Ney Rieber
Art: Eric Nguyen
Colors: Lee Loughridge
Letters: Rob Leigh
Cover Art: Tim Bradstreet
Editor: Jonathan Vankin
Publisher: DC Comics/Vertigo

PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: The Sandman is the guy who puts you to sleep at night, right? But why’s the guy on this cover wearing a gas mask? Looks more like he could give you nightmares.

IMPRESSIONS: This comic book seems to be telling two different stories at the same time. One of them is in the present day (which I assume is 2007, when this book was published) and the other set in the year 1997. Both of them involve guys in gas masks fighting terrorism or something. To be honest, it’s a little confusing.

The present-day sequence works much better, I think. We quickly learn the hero’s name (Kieran Marshall) and the situation is obvious. His buddy Jake is strapped into a bomb that he can’t remove without killing him. Also, his face is really messed up by the same guy responsible for the bomb. Vengeance time.

The other sequence features a guy named Wesley Dodds, also fighting someone in the Middle East, but this one is a lot more muddled. I can’t really tell who the rest of the characters are or why they’re fighting, or for that matter, why Dodds looks so old when he takes the mask off.

The mask makes for another problem. Since the heroes of both stories are wearing the gas mask, it makes it really difficult sometimes to tell which time period we’re reading on any particular page. We bounce back and forth so much that it gets very confusing. The artwork isn’t clear enough here either.

The book has some good elements, but the time jumps and confusion in the plot make it too hard to recommend to somebody. I doubt I’ll look for more of this story.

GRADE: C-

Somebody’s First Comic Book: Fraggle Rock (1985 Series) #4

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TITLE: The Doozer Who Wanted to Be a Fraggle

CREDITS:
Writer: Stan Kay
Art/Colors: Marie Severin
Lettering: Grace Kremer
Editor: Sid Jacobson
Publisher: Marvel Comics/Star Comics

PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: Hey, Fraggle Rock! I loved this show when I was a kid! And now, as a result of reading the comic book, I’m going to have the theme song stuck in my head for days! Son of a bitch!

IMPRESSIONS: So this is the comic book that’s going to take me down to Fraggle Rock, eh? Let’s see, Red Fraggle wants to party, nothing unusual there. In the midst of her partying, though, she and Gobo smash up some Doozer constructions. Most of the story is actually about the Doozers and not the Fraggles, it seems. Cotterpin is a little Doozer girl who doesn’t want to build like the rest of them. She hears a legend about a Doozer who turned into a Fraggle once, sets out to do it herself, hilarity ensues.

Seems like I need to watch the show again – I don’t remember the Fraggles seeming like such jerks about the Doozer constructions. I remember they ate them, but man, they really come across as callous here. Of course, the Doozers actually like it that way – gives them the chance to keep building, and that’s all they want to do anyway. It’s a symbiotic thing, I guess.

The comic is cute enough, but not as sharp as the TV show was. It feels a little diluted, a little watered down. The artwork is kind of weird too – I’m so used to seeing the Muppet characters only from the waist-up that seeing them walking around with… y’know, legs and stuff is actually kind of weird. And Cotterpin walking around barefoot all the time really seems to hammer home the fact that – hey! The Doozers are naked! (Yes, and the Fraggles go around pantsless. AND barefoot. I don’t know why Cotterpin makes it weirder. I’m sure that if I discussed this with a therapist they’d find some sort of bizarre underpinning barefoot trauma that ties it all together. Come to think of it, I never take my socks off either. I’m rambling, aren’t I?)

Anyway, we all know the Fraggles. They’re cool, they’re fun, and this book lets us know everything we need to know about them and the Doozers. It’s good enough for a B.

GRADE: B (Told you.)

Somebody’s First Comic Book: Aquaman (2003 Series) #36

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TITLE: The Failure of Success

CREDITS:
Writer: John Arcudi
Layout: Leonard Kirk
Finishes: Andy Clarke
Colors: Nathan Eyring
Letters: Travis Lanham
Editor: Peter Tomasi
Publisher: DC Comics

PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: Aquaman talks to fish.

IMPRESSIONS: Well, this should be good for a laugh. Aquaman, silliest superhero ever invented and… what’s this? On the first page, we see a chimpanzee swimming around in what appears to be a sunken city (American, not Atlantis) and bringing a corpse to the surface. Maybe this won’t be a chucklefest after all.

When we see Aquaman, he’s in a hospital bed, having been beat the hell up, and it appears he’s trying to explain to his girlfriend why he never mentioned his wife Mera to her… Wha? Aquaman is a player? But… talks to… fish…

Anyway, some terrorists break out another water-breathing terrorist from some sort of laboratory/prison, give him a silly helmet, and they start blowing stuff up. Meanwhile Aquaman swims around this sunken city with his adult son, Koryak, Aquagirl, the chimpanzee and some thing that looks like a gorilla and a shark had a baby, while some sorcerer called Tempest does something bad and a guy in a green cape (calls himself the Spectre) shows up and promises to cause an “Infinite Crisis.”

My head hurts. I’ve got no idea what’s going on here. Aquaman is acting like kind of a male slut, giving the women really lame explanations for what’s going on, and I’ve got no idea why this underwater city is flying American flags (is “flying” even really the right word when it’s underwater), who Tempest is, or why this Spectre is so pissed off. The only reason I can even tell Black Manta is supposed to be the bad guy is because he’s going around shooting at people, although if the rest of this issue is anything to go on, we’ll probably find out those people go around sticking firecrackers up toad’s butts in their spare time.

I liked it better when Aquaman was just the silly guy who talked to fish.

GRADE: D+

Somebody’s First Comic Book: Nightstalkers #7

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TITLE: Ghosts in the Machine

CREDITS:
Writer: D.G. Chichester
Penciller: Ron Garney
Inker: Tom Palmer
Colorist: John Kalisz
Letterer: Lois Buhalis & Co.
Editor: Hildy Mesnik
Publisher: Marvel Comics

PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: The name isn’t familiar, but it’s got Ghost Rider on the cover. Awful Nicolas Cage movie, right?

IMPRESSIONS: The comic kicks off with a guy who’s been turned into a demon and apparently has been promised he’ll be turned back if he feeds enough people into some sort of hellacious perpetual motion machine. From there we cut away to the guys I assume are the “Nightstalkers” – Hannibal King, Frank Drake and… is that Blade the same one from the Wesley Snipes movies? They’re calling him a vampire hunter, so… anyway, Ghost Rider shows up for no apparent reason and they start fighting for no apparent reason. I’m getting confused here, now, aren’t these all the good guys?

Evidently the characters are just as confused as I am – after they fight for a few pages they mention some other group of people (the “Darkhold Redeemers”) and figure out that together they all add up to nine, which means they’re on the same side. (The hell?) So they team up and go to fight they demon from the beginning of the book, which they know about because… I have no freaking clue. It’s not like the guy is advertising his presence or anything, and if there’s any reason the Nightstalkers have to suspect him of being a – y’know – demon, it’s never made explicit in the book. Blade seems to have some sort of funky “occult sense,” which makes him hate everybody, so maybe it works like some sort of Satanic GPS or something. I dunno. Seems to me that if I have to work this hard to come up with an explanation that makes a modicum of sense, the writer wasn’t quite doing his job.

GRADE: D

Somebody’s First Comic Book: Razor Uncut #44

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CREDITS:
Writer: Kevin Hill
Art: Scott Wilson
Letters: Dave Vance
Cover: Albert Holaso
Publisher: London Night Studios

PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: Never heard of it – I’m guessing the girl in leather with the sharp things is Razor. Not sure where the “uncut” part comes in, as she seems to be doing an awful lot of the cutting.

IMPRESSIONS: I think this is some sort of science fiction comic. A guy – a huge monster of a guy – hires a prostitute that he evidently intends to do horrible things to. The girl in leather shows up and does horrible things to him instead, and then has nightmares about it.

Seriously, that’s the whole book.

The comic gives you absolutely nothing to go on. I don’t know who this girl is, why she’s taken it upon herself to hunt down guys who are killing hookers, or why she’s having bad dreams about it afterwards. I’m not even sure if they are, in fact, just “dreams” or instead indicating of something of a more supernatural bent that’s happening to her. The artwork is black and white, which probably works for some stories, but doesn’t here. The scene where we see a victim is covered in ugly black steaks that I suppose are supposed to look like blood, but really just serve to make the page horribly messy. The pages without the blood aren’t much better. And there’s more than a little gratuitous cheesecake in this comic book.

Weak, very weak.

GRADE: D

Somebody’s First Comic Book: The Incredible Hulk (1968 Series) #378

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TITLE: Rhino Plastered

CREDITS:
Writer: Peter David
Penciller: Bill Jaaska
Inker: Jeff Albrecht
Colorist: Glynis Oliver
Letterer: Joe Rosen
Editor: Bobbie Chase
Publisher: Marvel Comics

PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: Okay, I know the Hulk. Dude gets mad, turns green, starts beating things up. But who’s this grey guy on the cover? And why is he fighting Santa Claus?

IMPRESSIONS: Ah, turns out the “grey guy” is the Hulk. The issue starts with this guy Rick telling a Christmas story to a bunch of kids, about a time when the Hulk was “grey and smart.” Who knew? Okay, I can roll with this… a bad guy called the Rhino decides he’s going to disguise himself as Santa Claus and cause a little havoc at a shopping mall, but as it turns out, he gets roped into being the mall’s actual Santa. He’s not really getting along with the kids, either, especially when one of them figures out who he really is, and the Hulk has to step in to clean up.

Wow, this issue is funny. Like really funny. You don’t usually think of the Hulk as being a funny character, but the Rhino’s predicament is goofy and silly enough to really work in the context of a Christmas story.

The way the two of them, even the villain, suddenly feel the urge to preserve the legend of Santa Claus is just a tiny bit of heartwarming, which itself is immediately spun into laugh-out-loud funny when they decide to “be nice.” Credit to Bill Jaaska there, he drew a panel that was so dry and ridiculous I really did laugh out loud.

Is the Hulk always this funny? If he is, I may have to reevaluate everything I know about the character. Regardless, he’s a lot of fun.

GRADE: A

Somebody’s First Comic Book: I Kill Giants #1

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TITLE: The Hammer

CREDITS:
Writer: Joe Kelly
Penciller: JM Ken Niimura
Publisher: Image Comics

PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: Not a bit of it – based on the cover and title, I’m guessing it’s a little girl that kills giants.

IMPRESSIONS: This comic introduces us to Barbara, a fifth-grader who seems to have decided on her destiny at young age. Barbara, you see, is all set for a lifetime of giant-slaying. The trouble is that no one, her family included, seems to believe these giants exist. The book is actually kind of ambiguous about the whole thing. We see some different fantasy creatures here, but only through the spectrum of Barbara’s perceptions. By the end of this first issue, it’s not entirely clear if the fairies we’ve encountered actually exist, or if they’re a figment of Barbara’s imagination. If that’s intentional, it’s a very good move. It really helps to hook the reader and present him or her with a question to propel them into reading the next issue. If it’s not what the writer intended us to ask, though, it’s just kind of sloppy.

Either way, the story has me somewhat interested. The artwork a bit less so. The book is done up in a style that’s very evocative of Japanese manga, and that’s not something that really holds a lot of interest for me. If I continue reading this series, it’s going to be despite the artwork, not because of it. That said, I am somewhat interested in what’s coming up next, so the book gets points for that if nothing else.

GRADE: B-

Somebody’s First Comic Book: Xenobrood #6

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TITLE: Meeting Their Maker

CREDITS:
Writer: Doug Moench
Penciller: Chris Hunter
Inks: John Lowe
Colors: Tom Luth
Letters: Dan Nakrosis
Editor: Kevin Dooley
Publisher: DC Comics

PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: Nothing at all – the cover says “grand finale,” though, so I’m going to assume this is the last part of the story. Probably not the best choice for the first comic book I’ve ever read, but whatevs…

IMPRESSIONS: This comic seems to be about a dorky guy, his hot girlfriend, and a group of superhero genies that are supposed to help him repel some sort of alien invasion. That’s the weirdest sentence anybody in history has ever written.

The story is pretty straightforward: we’ve got your good guys, we’ve got your bad guys, we’ve got the hero and the girl trying to decide what to do about their relationship. Despite the fact that this is the last issue, I didn’t really have any trouble following it, telling the players from one another, or figuring out what was going on. The problem is, even though the story is easy to follow, it’s still pretty good. Genie superheroes? Who evidently have assorted superpowers and don’t seem to have much to do with wishes? And the main character is really more of a blank slate than a would-be hero.

If the point of this is to find a comic book that a person can understand, this issue succeeds. If the point is to make me want to read another issue, it fails. So I’ll split the difference on the grade, and give it a C+. I got it. I just don’t really need any more. They didn’t make other issues with these guys, did they?

GRADE: C+

Somebody’s First Comic Book: Heroes Anonymous #3

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CREDITS:
Story & Script: Scott M. Gimple
Art: Andrew Pepoy
Letters: Chris Ungar
Graphic Embellishment and Design: Serban Cristescu
Cover Art: Bill Morrison & Nathan Kane
Editor: Bill Morrison
Publisher: Bongo Comics

PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: Absolutely nothing. Cover looks like your standard superhero stuff, if maybe a little silly.

IMPRESSIONS: Ah – the inside isn’t standard superhero stuff at all. Heroes Anonymous appears to be a comic book about superheroes in group therapy. This issue stars The Maiden, a young woman who had a double life even before she became a superhero. Melody Grieg is a reporter for a web magazine who secretly is the author of a series of racy science fiction novels under a pen name. Not even her boyfriend, Danny, knows about her double life, but when he asks her to marry him, she begins wondering if she should tell him the truth. She has an even bigger problem soon, though – the antique engagement ring Danny gave her transforms Melody into The Maiden, a superheroine who was around many years ago, then mysteriously vanished.

This book was actually very good. It was funny, if kind of silly, and the characters were very well developed. Melody was believable as a character, and Scott Gimple has created a story that’s very accessible. This issue gives you literally every little thing you need to know about the characters. The art is nice too, if a little unusual. Black and white doesn’t seem to be that odd a choice, but black and white with shades of purple? It gives the book a unique look, to say the least.

I liked this comic. I would read more of these.

GRADE: A