Somebody’s First Comic: The Incredible Crash Dummies #3

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TITLE: The Space Dummies & My Daddy the Junkman

CREDITS:
Writer: Angelo Decesare
Pencils: Bill Vallely
Inks: Jorge Pacheco & Frank Hill
Colors: In Color
Letters: Dan Nakrosis
Editor-in-Chief: Sid Jacobson
Publisher: Harvey Comics

PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: Wait, the Crash Dummies? The creepy dummies from those old “Buckle Your Seat Belt” PSAs? They had a comic book?

IMPRESSIONS: Yes, they did have a comic book, and good grief, is it bizarre. Spin and Slick are the Crash Dummies, some sort of bizarre robot (I think) superheroes that were invented by another… robot crash dummy… mad scientist? Ahem. Anyway, in this issue, the scientist invents these rocket boots so the Crash Dummies can man NASA’s first orbital space station, because “loss of gravity can be harmful to humans.” Evidently, NASA’s solution in this universe is not to rotate your crews out, as has been done in the real world since 1971, but rather to send in a crew whose name is literally synonymous with a lack of intelligence.

Anyway, the Dummies’ enemy, an evil Dummy named “Junkman,” makes an Infomercial trying to get scrap metal away from other countries so that they can build their own, competing space stations, but he really just intends to use the components to build a missile to shoot at the Earth. Spin and Slick head into space to stop him.

There’s also an equally nonsensical back-up story, “My Daddy the Junkman,” in which Spin starts to lament the fact that, as a Crash Dummy, he never had a real family. So his scientist buddy loads up his brain with a bunch of fake memories, accidentally convincing him that the Junkman is his father. Hilarity ensues.

I don’t even know what to make of this book, honestly. The story is easy enough to follow, so for that part of the grade it deserves a high mark… but it’s just so bad. Bad writing, bad jokes, dull characters. I guess this was an attempt to make the Crash Dummies a “brand” (now that I think about it, weren’t there toys, too?), but talk about your misguided efforts. Did I get this? Yes. Did it make me want to ever read a Crash Dummies comic book again? No way.

GRADE: C

Somebody’s First Comic Book: Badrock Annual #1

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CREDITS:

Writers: Tom & Mary Bierbaum
Penciller: Todd Nauck
Inker: Jeanette Ubando
Colors: Scott Baumann
Color Separations: In Color
Letterer/Associate Editor: Kurt Hathaway
Editorial Assistant: Tom Reiter
Cover Artist: Arthur Adams
Publisher: Image Comics/Extreme Studios

PRIOR KNOWLEDGE: None. Looks like this dude is made out of rock. And… um… he’s “Bad.”

IMPRESSIONS: The story begins in medias res (that means in the middle, for those of you who didn’t pay attention in English class) with the titular Badrock throwing down with some guy with the unlikely name “Re-Coil.” Apparently, the two of them have bounced away from a fight between Badrock’s team Youngblood and Re-Coil and his partner… :chuckle: coil. A second group of superheroes, Freak Force, hears about this on the news and rush out to help their hero, Badrock.

Well, sorta. As it turns out when they arrive, they’re really more bounty hunters than superheroes. And while they are fans of Badrock, they’re apparently not above poaching his collar to get the reward. Badrock gets into a pissing contest with the Freak Force tank, Barbaric, and the two of them decide to trade blows and settle their differences in an “abandoned” neighborhood. You can probably guess how that turns out.

This is, to be frank, a remarkably stupid story. The characters act childish and sophomoric, and the fact that one of the other characters recognizes this and points it out doesn’t really help the situation very much. Some of the characters pop up out of nowhere and have little or no development. In several cases, I don’t think their names are even mentioned at any point in the comic book (the blond dude in the Superman cape, for example).

But we have to be fair to the rules of this little experiment, and that means being honest. As mind-bogglingly stupid as these characters are, can I understand what’s happening? Yes. And with perfect clarity. I don’t exactly know who all the players are, but I know the main characters and the situation itself is presented cleanly, without really requiring massive amounts of backstory knowledge to get the drift. And on that basis, this comic scores relatively high.

GRADE: B